Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I lost the right to judge tonight
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
