wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
