Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
