You work out of a Hotel?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
