i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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