It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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