They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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