Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
