we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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