Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
