so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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