everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
