i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize