yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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