If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
