i think my tv is drunk
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
