Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
