I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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