i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
