he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
