I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
