she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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