Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
