those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
honey bunches of taint.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
