Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
