I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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