He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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