just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize