Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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