Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
