Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
