I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
