What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
