My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
