we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
