Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
