I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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