you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
