as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
