On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize