you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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