I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable