I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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