Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.