that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
