I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
