When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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