I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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