Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
