at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
two words: eviction party
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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