Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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