He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
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We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"