I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Randomize
