my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
jump out the window naked night went bad
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
