I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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