But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
