I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
