About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
