I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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