What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
